January 8, 2020 132 PM
First, a disclaimer, I am not Nostradamus, because he has no sense of humor and only predicts things of a very negative nature which panders to people who like bad things. I also do not predict marriage length because I once predicated a friend’s marriage wouldn’t last six months and it has gone past forty years. Remember, I write satire.
(1). It will be proven that the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand which led to World War I was perpetrated not by a Serbian, but a Ukrainian.
(2). It will be conclusively proven that it was also the Ukrainians who fermented World War II, the Korean Conflict, the Vietnam War and the assassination of the Kennedy brothers.
(3). It will be proven that the Russians did not attack and annex the Crimean but were only using their tanks to help eradicate an invasive species of plants.
(4). A leaked document from an American spy agency will show that President Tweet is a result of a genetic experiment combining the Pillsbury Doughboy and Clarabell the Clown (his hair is a dead giveaway).
(5). President Tweet will release an executive order that any news article from the New York Times, the Washington Post, or the Los Angeles Times must be considered a hoax, fake news, a witch hunt, or Ukrainian propaganda.
(6). President Tweet’s attack on the scientific method will be expanded to include personal insults at Newton, Pastor, Madame Curie, and Einstein (possibly because he has a better hairstyle than President Tweet).
(7). It will be exposed that President Tweet’s concession to environmentalists will be to genetically altar the Rio Grande alligator gar and release thousands into our border river. It will be reported that his attempt to breed fresh water sharks that can fire laser beams was finally abandoned.
(8). By the end of the year, America will no longer need dumpsters or city dumps because everything will be sold on eBay.
(9). After the Great American potato shortage, President Tweet will sign an executive order forbidding the export of potatoes to the Ukraine.
(10). To prevent childhood obesity, an executive order will be released banning all French fries to people under 18, unless ordered at a Trump Hotels.
(11). After the Senate refuses to depose President Tweet, the ghost of Benjamin Franklin will appear and repeat his famous admonition, “We have given you a republic, if you can keep it.”
(12). On the day of the presidential election, President Tweet will announce that if he does not get every vote cast, he will announce that the election was a fraud and he will barricade himself in the White House to save America.
Whether my prophesies are correct or not, I wish all my readers a Happy New Year, except for the Russians because President Tweet is the only luck they need to destroy our leadership of the West, NATO, or perhaps even humanity.