High Desert Sketches: Alice and the rabbit hole moved to Arizona

Each day it appears that the ramifications of the 2020 presidential election float deeper and deeper into the realm of fantasy. I mentioned months ago that the election conspirators drift more and more into Alice in Wonderland. Since that time, it has gotten even stranger and stranger and has concentrated on Arizona. In February, the results of two intense audits of Maricopa County’s election and their 2.5 million vote results convinced most people and many Arizona Republicans that there was no fraud committed. 

After the results of the two audits were confirmed, strange things started happening. The Arizona State Senate decided it would hold its own investigation. A former Arizona secretary of state was named liaison between the state senate and the third investigation. Then, it really got strange. A company with no prior election experience was hired to do a recount. The company, located in Virginia, is called Cyber Ninjas, and an observer, chosen by the governor and the current secretary of state, stated in a news article that when she arrived at the site of a recount it was like entering a fantasy land. They made her wear a pink t-shirt, and she was instructed not to talk to any of the counters or touch anything. She was then followed around the site by a staffer who wore a yellow t-shirt. Somebody should have told these clowns that ninjas only wear black. One of the Cyber Ninjas’ first chores was to examine the ballots for bamboo fibers. The rumors started right after the 2020 election that 40,000 ballots had been flown in from China and stuffed in Arizona ballot boxes. The Cyber Ninjas examined ballots with ultraviolet light, but no bamboo has been discovered so far. 

It gets stranger. The Cyber Ninjas hired a company based in Virginia called CyFIR. CyFIR’s president lives in a cabin near remote Swan Lake. The Arizona State Senate liaison turned over 2.1 million individual voter packets but is not certain where Swan Lake, Montana, is located and where CyFIR’s “lab” is located. The liaison did not know if the “lab” has any oversight or security. 

The latest addition by the election fraud conspirators is the strangest. Clint Hickman, chairman of the Maricopa County Board of Supervisors, has been accused of stealing paper ballots, shredding the ballots and feeding them to his chickens. He is then charged with burning the chickens. The facts are a lot simpler. Mr. Hickman is a chicken farmer and recently two barns on his farm burned down, killing 162,000 chickens. Arson is not suspected, particularly as it relates to Mr. Hickman, but the way the recount is going he may face 162,000 individual counts of murder. Keep going, Cyber Ninjas, you still can bring humor to the world. 

Arizona is not the only state to have a problem with the rabbit hole syndrome. Alice and her rabbit hole have visited Austin on more than one occasion. Our beloved Governor Abbott seems to open the rabbit hole every time he opens his mouth. We all remember the great comedy team of Abbott and Costello. I was delighted to discover that Abbott had left comedy for politics. Having a comedian as governor would have been great, except in the old partnership Costello was the straight man. Now, our beloved Governor Abbott has assumed the role of a super straight man. He has learned to look straight into a camera and say things like, “Republicans believe that the power should be with local governments.” 

He then maintains a very straight face when he tells Laredo they cannot regulate plastic grocery bags, many of which are found on barbed wire fences throughout South and West Texas. He tells Denton they cannot regulate fracking near a public high school. In the past legislative session, he tried to tell Houston voters they did not need so many ballot boxes and they could go to jail for giving water to voters standing in long lines on hot days. I miss the old Abbott. 

Dear Reader, I have taken off for the last few years in the months of July and August to catch up on a few projects. My back-to-school column will appear on September 2. Have a happy summer.